Category: Satire

Elements clicked and all became clear, and I suddenly found myself with a version of events that fits the narrative I've so far been able to substantiate while, finally, being able to account for the perplexing facets discussed below that, otherwise, may forever remain dark mysteries.

The one you're all thinking of right now involves women with penises and men in silk summer dresses, wearing Louboutin shoes. Wear what you want—just not in public—but we should all draw the line at adding and cutting and mismatching gender organs or suggesting that there's anything other than two, nevermind that whole "having sex for fun" thing, which leads to the Woke wing of hell no matter what, getting you there faster if any of that was with your own hand or not all with the same person. 

The Most Likely Explanation for Vigeland's Disgust of Hunter's Dick Pics

I think I've solved it, having finally made sense of all those Hunter Biden dick pics, the same ones that had managed to so thoroughly capture the imagination and attention of The Majority Report's Emma Vigeland, having reinvigorated within her that deep, penetrating passion for online Pole-eTickling that had once occupied most of her free time, that is, until she had found herself working for some Sam Seder, having hired her on the spot as, certain that she had said "politicking", he'd rarely seen anyone get that excited and blush so brightly at the mere mention of "politics".

The false impressions created by that misunderstanding would eventually take the pair down a path that's to lead to an awkwardly embarrassing moment when, on her second day, Seder had pointed to a framed picture of then still-unknown online-personalities Tim Pool and Mike Walsh, the two sitting on a picnic blanket and eating pink cake, their cheeks and chins covered with white frosting.

"Those two," said Seder. "I look forward to watching you letting them have it, and hard."

Vigeland squealed, thrilled to be given such a task despite her limited experience, hardcore on-air sex with a beanied person being among the many things she had always believed to lie just outside her reach... until now; she was sure to be moving up in the world, that is, so long as she went down on Pool and Walsh, Ben Shapiro, too, surely, but doing Steven Crowder, Vigeland had heard, is what's sure to fill Seder with the most joy.

"Thank you. You can count on me," Vigeland said softly before roaring out, ""I'll make sure I screw them real hard!"

The Most Likely Explanation for Why Candace Owens Accused Brigitte Macron of Being her Own Brother

Operation "Oh, God, I'm Coming" converts men into women in order to convert them into men with prosthetic penises that house a 10" nuclear missile.

It's the nuclear version of "Shock and Awe". Undercover dicks are able to infiltrate enemy lines, shooting off their payload in a manner that provides absolutely no reaction time, making it near-impossible for enemies to retaliate.

Joe Biden sacrificed his sons for that program, Hunter willingly becoming a woman before he could become Hunter again. Brigitte Macron is really Hunter Biden without her prosthetic penis.

The Most Likely Explanation for Why They're Not Normal Dick Pics

To most untrained eyes, dick pics of Hunter Biden look like Hunter Biden dick pics, and nothing butt! But those are field-testing records, and those prostitutes are actually soldiers in the Marines Engineering Corps division, and those hotel rooms are blast proof chambers, and though they may look like they're having fun and fucking the brains out of one another, these brave people are doing God's work, risking their lives riding those dicks up and down in all sorts of holes and stress environments, making sure the design can stand a good beating without going off until ready to be fired.

Blessed be the Hunters and Bidens.

This proves it, yet again, the Republicans are Russian shills and Putin may be arming Trumps with a penis.

What?! It still makes more sense than a lot of the stuff I'm hearing.

Hello, again, India.

Here's the thing: I like you but you don’t like me, and I still like you but you think I’m weird.

I don’t know where things went wrong; maybe it’s the dizziness you’re feeling, the one that comes upon reaching the higher rungs of power, and maybe it’s the best-before-last-week tuna casserole that’s making my world spin, but, right now, things aren’t working between you and I, India.

Plus, I’m busy these days. Real busy. What’s that? Oh, you know… there’s laundry, and dishes, and garbage to move. And I gotta take down some Post Its and erase my dry-erase board... And vacuuming, too. That couldn’t hurt. Should do that... I also gotta run around town, go pick up that stuff. Plus, I gotta see about that thing, then there’s that other thing comin up, and... you know… busy, busy, busy.

Oh, and Pakistan says “Hi,” and China misses you. And the US says you smell like rancid curry and they don’t like you and they’re all moving to space next week so don’t bother calling the White House to check, ok?

Fine. I lied. Their end of the continent sank. Disappeared. No more. No need to call the White House, you can trust me.

Fine. That’s also a lie. All is. Everything! Everything is a lie! The laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming… all’s a sham. I’ve none of those. My life is meaningless, untethered, and directionless. And... oh, the lackluster—remind me to tell the maid to give that gold railing a polish, would you?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, India, things to do; how can I help you? Really? Oh… yes, yes, of course. I wanted to warn you—see, I do care—of an AI forgery featuring your Finance Minister, Nirmala Sitharaman.

I’m assuming it’s been caught and pulled? It seems to have come and gone in a flash. I'm only aware of one other person having been taken in, which would explain their's and mine's initial response à la: "What?! Nooooooooo!"

Lottaz wasn't the only Pascal that may have been duped last week. That all seems very anti-Pascal, no?

The little I did mention on it is in fact true, but within an entirely different reality, and one that's actually very sensible, like the India I remember, despite being so carefree and curious in those breezy summer dresses...   

Let’s just say that MP Sitharaman came across as, well, very gestapo-like, but not in her actions or prosody, but through her determination to force a digital life on the globe yesterday if not today.

What’s that B-word that very few women enjoy? Indeed, hence why I was so floored in that bit I’d inserted at the last minute in that “Corridors” post, wherein I’d mentioned the digital ID, CBDC, and portal.

There was nothing remarkedly 'evil' about the plan that the seemingly-manipulated video presented—hence its genius, I suppose, its subtlety—but the plan being presented was sure to lead to a global mutiny, and "insanely callous" are what describe its approach best, unless, which is what her composure and the alleged Western backing suggested, the implementation was merely the inconvenient phase of a long-established plan, this suggesting a totalitarian path under heavy boots was what was to be logically expected.

And from you, India. You. I was crushed. My heart whimpered its thump-thumps.

That certain outlets hadn't touched the news provides an example of one of the fact-checking processes that kicks in, the unsettling lack of attention to the matter letting me know something was off and I needed to look further before even broaching the subject again. 

Yes, I did have a look at your New Delhi Declaration, India. Looks good. One or two formatting mistakes but a fine looking plan. What's that? Oh, god no. I'm talking about 'presentation'; I'm not qualified to have a real opinion on much of the rest. I mean, I understand it all, I just haven't a clue if it ultimately translates into long-term "good' or 'bad', especially in comparison to other available options or currently implemented plans. Sure, other than particular aspects, of which I've a real good grasp, I probably understand it better than most, but far less than any expert. You know me, India, I was blessed, being born with an impeccable charm and quick, sharp wits; it's just too bad that the second cancels out the first.

But with words like "voluntary" and "testing", what's not to love, really? Although... I do have important critiques which, for me, make it impossible to support any of the plan. Even if overlooking the course that the G20 is determined to take, there are points relating to the underlying fundamentals, and the expression of such, found in the document that I'd be unwilling to budge on; I don't wanna be all Western-white-dude about it, but I'm confident that the developing world sees it my way, though you really ought to ask them:

I'd flat out reject the document, and any treaty, act, agreement, or similar, as long as the phrase "rules-based order" appears anywhere within that document in any manner that doesn't negate the validity of such a mindset. 

I'd flat out reject any plan that relies on the individual participation of, or under a joint partnership that includes, the IMF, World Bank, and/or the European Development Fund; those three entities are tasked with reviewing and implementing a globally-applied development program and bank. Anyone backing this is tone-deaf and/or deeply ignorant, maddengly so, frankly.

As long as any of those institutions carry over to any supposedly new plan, I'd be walking out, and military aggression would be the only way to get me to even consider signing anything. This sentiment appears to be a shared one, albeit to various degrees, this being so though Washington refuses to hear it.

And the reason for that is because the West obliterated whatever trust they took for granted! And that's what makes it so hard, India...

Oh, yeah... Yeah... well... uh, well me, Russia, and China have orgies planned each night this week! And Iran may join in on Wednesday night, so there! How you like that?!   

Wait! Don't go...

Should MP Sitharaman suddenly find herself being called that B-word from all parts of the Internet, then, my guess would be that it’s back in circulation.

So... uh, what are, um... what are you doing later tonight? Any, you know, plans?